Hey !

Falling men

So as you may know this blog is basicly my way to escape. Some are writing a dairy. I'm writing this because I wouldn't keep a diary.

My parent divorce, even if I'm happy for my mom who is just happier and free and even knowing that it is mostly because of my dad and just the fact that they weren't happy. My dad still love my mom and he just told me after he and my brother get mad that everyone abandoned him. 

I live far away by purpuse (even if he don't know that I chose to go far away). But he is just so so unhappy, so lost and that is making me sad.

You know the worse on it ? It is that I just don't know what to do ! He probably should see a specialist (and so do I) but he won't. He don't trust them. And my dad is cardiac, so with his condition and especialy knowing he his almost alone, he can basicly die at all time and this is so scary. I know he is mad because we didn't told him my mom was living and because he have to do everything by himself.

I'm also scary and I just don't know why. He is just so violent when he is mad, don't woried he would never hurt me but it is just scary...

Seeing him and my brother tonight and his reaction made me so nervous and I started to have a panic attack like when I was still leaving here and my parents were fighting. I was always saying that it was that tension that made me panic and even if it was, it was also and I think mostly my father.

I think that he has a lot of courage to go to work everyday even if he hate it, to be far away from his parents especialy his mom because he is so close to her, to keep going while he has to be careful because of his hurt, to do everything alone in the house and keeping it for us (my brother and I) but I don't know how to tell him... And I love him and I'm so scared to lose him and I just wan't to help him while I can.

 

Well, I needed to write, so even if nobody reads. I just hope that if someone is living the same as some fases of my life. Just know that whatever crap you're on, whatever you live, you're not alone, there is other people living the same and there is people living far worse.

 

Xo xo , Hélène

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